Ba-da-boob, ba-da-bing

Just got home from the 4th Annual Vancouver International Burlesque Festival, which was fabulous. I saw an ad for the festival in The Vancouver Sun, and thought it might be interesting to check out. Something different. So I got tickets to The Cheesecake Burlesque Revue, a group from Victoria, BC.

For a mere $13, we got 2 hours of glittery ruby red lipstick, sparkly eye makeup, costumes and wigs, and of course... titty tassels! Beautiful women of all shapes and sizes, perfectly comfortable in their own skin - and comfortable with showing their skin.

The performances themselves were quite varied and entertaining. Several wardrobe malfunctions (unsticky tassels!) only stoked the supportive audience even more. They also got some audience participation, which was lots of fun. In the first half, they had 4 women go up on stage and take turns shimmying (think Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie") to win a T-shirt. In the second half, they got 4 guys to go up and remove their shirts, and have a try at nipple tassels! HahAha! :D

Granted, burlesque is not for everyone. Even I thought it was a little long, because even with costume changes and different music, they all end up stripping down, so the best performances were those that had some creativity. My favourite? Bunny Ruffles' performance as a tired "entertainer". Hilarious song, coupled with appropriate hand gestures, it had me cracking up! :)

All in all, though, I thought it was terrific! I may not attend the festival every year, but I'm definitely glad I went to check it out. :)

For those interested, the burlesque fest runs until May 10, the coming Sunday! :)

Not so bright, Part 3

I was under the impression that I'd already posted this 3rd installment, but I guess I hadn't done quite enough stupid things, yet! I've now caught up.

11. When I park at the side of the road, I usually back up and straighten my wheel so I can ride away more easily. One night I was leaving the post office (which happens to be on a slight slope), and as I let my scooter glide backwards... I stopped with a bump. I looked behind... and it was a cop on scooter. Oops. =P
    
    
12. Long ago, at the market in Taipei, I was buying a towel, and the stall owner told me that 130NT was as low as he could go -- any lower would be below cost. Those sales tactics, you know. Well, I made another round through the market before coming back, and discovering that he was gone, I told the stall owner's wife that "someone else had said 120NT". She immediately whipped around and demanded to know which of her kids had given me a 120NT cost, because it *was* below cost. (She was REALLY furious.) But, since I said I'd been offered 120NT, she honoured my dishonourable price.
    
    I feel really bad and haven't been back to that market since. =(
    
    
13. I wall-climbed 4 days (evenings) in a row. Aside from a bit of soreness in my forearms, I felt great and was injury-free.
    
    The ginormous bruise on my right knee was 'cause I tripped in the parking lot. >_<
    
    
14. The gas tank warning light was on. Unfortunately it was well after 10pm (after vball) and they had already shut down for the night. I had no choice but to wait until the next day. (I like to fill at the Superstore gas bar near my place, 'cause they give you 6.5 cents/litre redeemable in the store.)
    
    As luck (or bad habit) would have it, I was running late and didn't have time to stop for gas before class. By the time I made it back, the tank must've been reeeally near empty, because the car started stalling. I had to coast down the hill into the gas bar, then shut off the engine while waiting my turn.
    
    When it was finally my turn... yep, you guessed it: I couldn't start my car! I was 3m from the gas pump, and could not start my car just to get to the pump.
    
    I had to ask a nice man coming out of the payment station to give me a little push so the car was within nozzle's reach.
    
    
15. My friends were visiting from Taiwan, and after 3 long days taking them around, driving all over, looking after all their needs before they went to bed and then working on my own things, I was really looking forward to them going on their 9-day Rocky Mountains tour.
    
    That morning, I dropped my dad off to work then drove them to the tour pick-up point. We waited for the tour bus to show up (20 minutes late), got them set, then I was free to go home.
    
    I turned left toward the bridge heading out of downtown, and suddenly this car in the opposite direction started blaring its horn at me, and the suit behind the wheel gave me this nasty bewildered look! How rude! And then, next block over, another car up ahead started high-beaming me. Was there a police car or speed trap ahead?
    
    It wasn't until I got to a traffic light that I noticed 3 lanes of traffic all facing me: I'd turned the wrong way onto a one-way street!

Not so bright, Part 2

6. I met up to shoot pool with a friend in Taipei, after dinner with my aunt. I couldn't find my key to get back into my brother's place, so he left his set with me, and said he would figure out another way. He called me later, rather peeved, because he couldn't get into his parking garage (sensor was with me now).
   
   The next day as we were heading out, I returned his keys. "Where's my mailbox key??" "Oh, I dunno. Ohhh, wait...... that's my set of your keys. Here's yours.... <duck and run>"
   
   I don't get my own set of keys to his place anymore.
   
   
7. I want to be organised. Honestly. So I buy plastic stackable drawers, and paper organisers, and clothes hangers. They now all sit on the floor of my room, alongside the rest of my mess.
   
   My coworker got me a book "No More Clutter" (by Sue Kay) that takes a deeper look into the whys of clutter before the actual riddance. And yes, that book now adds to my clutter.
   
   
8. I grew up drying my laundry in the clothes dryer. I like the extra perk that, if you remove your clothes not too long after drying, they are soft and virtually wrinkle-free. It so happens that one Saturday, I got home unexpectedly late from work, and found my clothes removed from the dryer and scrunched down into my a-bit-too-small bucket. Completely scrunched, dress shirts and all. I was livid. (When I remove someone's clothes from the dryer, I half-fold their laundry - hang shirts and pants over the side of the basket - so their clothes aren't crumpled, because hey, I'm considerate like that.)
   
   As it turns out, that person's load was done, and I wanted to unwrinkle my clothes (by putting them through another cycle). So I removed his stuff and scrunched it into his slightly-too-small basket.
   
   I'm such a bad ass. =P
   
   
9. I can swim over 2000m without any problems... but my calf cramped up when I was getting dressed and trying not to let my pants touch the wet changeroom floor.
   
   
10. I can scooter for almost 10 minutes before making a left turn and being rudely reminded that I forgot to flip up the kick-stand.

Still more to come...

Not so bright

I am, by far, not perfect.

I know, I know. I'll give you a minute for the shock to subside.

Here are a few oh-so-bright moments, most deserving a laugh, some deserving a smack upside the head. (I actually wrote most of this over a year ago, but these have all happened during my time in Taiwan.)

1. Locked myself out of my dorm - with a bag of laundry, and three 10NT coins. No wallet, no phone, no scooter keys to get myself anywhere. At 1AM. I had to drag my big bag o' laundry to the convenience store and borrow the clerk's phone card so I could call someone to come save me.
   
   
2. After recovering from a scooter accident (open wound and not-so-happy ankle), I finally healed enough to swim again. Yay! Then two days later I was running home, and as I sprinted to catch the traffic light, I tripped and sprawled head first into the street (no cars around). And scraped my elbow and knee up nicely.
   
   
3. I was meeting up with family friends. Suddenly realising that the train I was about to board was heading south (wrong direction), it then dawned on me that I had actually watched my train leave just 3 mins earlier. So I patiently waited for and boarded the next train on that first platform. Then the next train stop told me that I'd boarded a southbound train! By the time I made it to my destination, I'd been commuting for nearly 3 hours, instead of the anticipated 1.5 hours. But what a deal for 85NT! =D
   
   
4. My coworker sent out an away-on-a-business-trip notice to the entire department. To which I promptly wished him a smooth trip and good kimchi. Only, I replied-all. (I'm only thankful I didn't jokingly tell him not to ogle too many Korean girls.)
   
   Actually, I've replied-all on two other occasions as well.... Oy.
   
   
5. On a particularly wet and rainy day (cats and dogs and hippos), I rode through the night market in search of food. Someone's scooter horn was blaaaaaaaaaring annoyingly. I scanned the vicinity, like others around me, looking for the source. And 5 minutes later, I found it.
   
   Yep, it was my scooter. Apparently it was complaining of a couple of electrical shorts.

More to come....

Clear the track!

You ockers need to keep your 'roos off the racetrack, alroyt?!

Select the least incorrect answer

Being a native English speaker, I was originally exempt from taking the TOEIC exam at work, but this morning I received an e-mail from my two-up manager saying that everyone in our department had to sit the exam after all, and so I arranged with HR to let me into the examination room.

The listening section was... slightly boring. To the point that my mind started wandering, hahaha. Oops.

And the reading section was... perplexing. The written questions had errors in them. Not just the "choose what's wrong" type of questions, I'm referring to the fill-in-the-blank questions and others, too. I started chuckling, which probably didn't help relax the other colleague in the room.

Let me give you an example of how ridiculous it was; I copied this down from the exam. Multiple choice question, choose one part of the sentence that should be corrected or rewritten:

(A) There's at least several of reasons that (B) explained why the sales manager (C) has quitted his job that (D) is envied by most people in the office.

Gee, can I select (A), (C), and other errors not listed in the choices?!

All in a Name

Before I moved to Taiwan, I was under the impression that Asian immigrants only choose "boring" English names. Common names that occur in a classroom 2 or 3 times: Danny, David, Michael, Jerry, Johnny. Jenny, Cindy, Amy, Julie.

Boy was I ever wrong.

Turns out Asians can be rather creative when choosing English names. And turns out that browsing the company phone directory can be quite entertaining.

We have famous people who work here: Gauss, Morse, Dior, Gucci, Yanni, Yoda.

And then we have...

AceBest AOK Bear Bigfox Culture - given name translated literally Double - given name has the family name repeated! Dragon Ericbill - guess they couldn't decide? Forever - Chinese name has the word "ever" Frog - uh... I got nothin' Frost Gene - 2 with this name; does that make it a Gene pool? Magic Megaa - complete with echo! Milk

MIT - show-off Mtjade - named after the mountain... "Mt." included! Nivea - walking advertisement Ripple Showermi - how forward! Singing Smallp - um. Shock Testy - UM. Tobaccoo Twodogs Walksky - kinda like Skywalker, but no copyright infringement Wealth - clear goals in life Wego - where?

(Note: These are all taken from the company directory. Just a subset of "interesting" names. And I didn't list any names that were Chinese names written in English, only literal translations.)

I know about a third of the people above, and they're very nice people.

Now I realize that people are free to take on any name they please. However, this name is used for their corporate e-mail address. So maybe they should put more thought into finding a name that will represent them professionally, instead of choosing an alias for a BBS/forum.

And perhaps HR should consider having a name book on hand for when new employees report to work.

Sorry, where am I from again?

My friend brought a beautiful "carrying" case to my desk today, measuring 24"x4"x2.5". Inside, nestled in a bed of... shiny polyester... was a nice champagne flute, and a bottle of ice wine.

As lovely as it was, and as delighted as I was to receive this gift, I looked at my coworker and exclaimed,

"Have you forgotten where I'm from??"

Product of Canada.

Dead as a doornail

While out to lunch with my brother and his girlfriend this weekend, a comment about yellowing fingernails (because they can't breathe under nail polish/lacquer) spawned a discussion about whether nails are alive.

B: Nails are dead!
M: No, they aren't; they grow.
B: They're dead; that's why you don't feel anything when you cut them.
M: You don't feel anything because there aren't any nerves.
M: Mine are alive.
B: Well, mine aren't.

So, whudder you sayin'?

I've put on a little weight since moving here. Given the hours I work and the food choices available, it's not that surprising. It doesn't help that my body doesn't have the I-still-look-like-a-Q-tip-even-though-I-had-2-tubs-of-lard-for-dinner feature built in. Given the options I have, I just try to pick the less greasy items at our company caf (I'm practically vegetarian now), and squeeze a bit of exercise into my schedule.

Well, I'd bought some fruit tea from Bodum the other weekend and was happily brewing up a storm. The fruit tea is a little sour. So, I added a bit of sugar. I ended up adding an entire packet of sugar to that first mug. (But for the record, I take it plain now.) I MSN'ed my coworker about adding a pack of sugar to a mug.

"You will be getting fat because of it," he replied.

"I'm already fat anyway." (Yeah yeah, I've turned into one of those women who constantly complains about being chunky.)

But here's the kick to the head. He then messaged me,
"No. Your butt's a little big, but the rest of you is okay."

UM. OUCH?

[Fast forward one week]

I was working on presentation slides with another coworker. It was getting late and we were wanting to get out of there so we could go for a jog. And then, completely unprovoked, he said to me,

"You seem fatter after 10PM."

....?!?

"I'm sorry. Would you mind REPEATING THAT AGAIN...?"

He didn't dare. Smart choice.

Add to that my maternity dress incident.... *sigh*

Red hot. Well, red, at least....

Not sure why, but I decided to wear my No.2 red dress today. It's just a cotton dress with a plain cut, but it's... red. All red. I don't wear it often, but when I do, on days such as today, I get numerous comments and smiles (and smirks) from people all around.

"You're soooo red!"
"Wow, you're bright."
"You're so dressed up today; what's the occasion?"

And then of course there's my coworker who walks into my area, takes one look at me, and asks...

"Why are you wearing a maternity dress?"

A little support here, please?

I found that the frequency at which my laundry "did itself" left me needing more underclothes. So after inquiring with a few female friends, I headed off to the local department store to take a look at what was available.

The salesperson picked out a few different bras for me to try on. She told me to let her know when I'd tried them on, and she'd see how they fit. Um. Well, I suppose we were both women, so that wasn't so bad. Getting another woman's opinion might not be a bad idea.

So I was still a little uncertain about the whole letting-someone-see-me-in-a-bra idea, and I guess I dilly-dallied long enough that she started knocking on the changing room door every minute, asking how I was. When I finally let her in, I had my shirt on. At her request, I very self-consciously removed it.

She assessed the fit and recommended the "proper" size I should be wearing. (What the heck, how many years I'd been wearing the wrong size?!)

And then, gesturing with her hands, she asked me, "Can I help you adjust yourself?"

I stopped short and gawked at her. What, like... you want to TOUCH me?

She stood there calmly with her hands clasped.

Yes, apparently that was what she was asking.

After what seemed like a full minute, I very awkwardly eeped, "Um, NO ?... Can you just show me how to adjust myself?"

And of course she was fine with that and proceeded to show me how to wear a bra "properly". Admittedly I learned a few things I hadn't learnt growing up. All in all an interesting experience.

But there still ain't nobody gon' touch me.

Feel the love....

MSN conversation with my brother earlier. I couldn't hold off on this one....

K:  my suggestion for product name is in the finals.
K:  Between "Presto" and "Forerunner"
N:  yay! ahaha

Knowing that his dragonboating team before was called the Waverunners, it was obvious which name was his suggestion....

N:  Forerunner sounds better ;)
K:  if Presto gets chosen, I win an iPod. if not... I don't.
K:  damn YOU!!
N:  doh!!
K:  Presto has more MEANING
K:  it's about speed.
N:  Presto sounds cliche!
...
N:  presto sounds kinda cheezy...
K:  man, if I could send you a middle finger right now. :P
N:  you'd get it right back. :)

From ear to ear

Sometimes, the stupidest things can make you grin.

Like noticing that the colour of your underwear matches the Roots Athletic hoody you're wearing.

But that's not me.

Peace Treaty, Addendum

P.S.

Could you also not land in/on/around my mug? As your friend may have let you know (in a seance), instead of the quick and painless death I would've dealt, I ended up trapping him in the mug and drowning him. Long and drawn out. I'm guessing it was rather agonising, too, when he realised that there was no way out and that the water level in the mug was steadily rising while the wet tissue overhead was getting lower.

So. No mug. Thanks.

Peace Treaty

Dear friend,

I believe that the need for a truce has arisen. This love-hate (mostly hate) relationship between us is causing much tension, so I hope that with this letter, we can reach an understanding between mosquito and me.

I know you must eat to survive. Such is life. But really you must ensure that gluttony not overcome you, as several nights I have awoken to 5 or 6 new bites. I hardly believe that you need such a feast at a single sitting. So I ask that you please limit your overeating tendencies. Let us start with 2 bites per night, and if this arrangement doesn't work, we can discuss the matter further.

Let's make that 1. One bite per night.

I ask you not to touch the face. The face is still the most aesthetically appreciated feature of a person, and needless to say, your savage devouring of my delicate skin leaves not only physical but also emotional scars. Please avoid the face.

Know that should you insist on supping on my blood, you will die. I don't care if I have to stay up until 03:00 to catch you, but I will, believe you me. Not only will you die sooner than you hope, but you will live your last hours (minutes) in utter fear. Utter. and. complete. fear.

So. How does that sound. Truce? :)

Sincerely,
N

Bored as a low-fat muffin

You know you're bored when you start searching the Internet on "bored".
And sometimes you find something amusing. :)

Smooth move

I had to get up early this morning to drive my dad somewhere. Mind you, any time before 11:30 is considered early for me, but today it was 07:30, so I think we can all agree that that was pretty early.

As I was getting ready to leave, I noticed a lot of flyaway hairs. Grabbing my hairspray bottle (and testing it in the sink first), I targetted the loose hairs.

And sprayed hairspray right into my eye. Smooth move.

Newton's Third Law of Graduation

Ah yes. Last but not least .... In my experience, this below law has been the most prominent. Paraphrased, it would be, "Two steps forward, one step and a stumble back."



Piled Higher and Deeper, by Jorge Cham
www.phdcomics.com

Over the hill? This way, please.

I have a young-looking face and I still occasionally get id'ed, so I sometimes like to think that I can still blend in with the young'uns.

Well, being summer and all, there are a lot of high school kids working their summer jobs. The other day I was at Superstore picking up some fruit, and as the "kid" behind the checkout handed back my credit card, he said, "Thank you, ma'am."

I got ma'am'ed. Ouch.